I'm struggling and I'm hurting as I realize there is no formula, no series of choices that can make life exactly as I want it to be. There is not enough will power or trying that can make life perfect.
It's naive to have thought that it ever could have been perfect, I know.
When William (our rainbow baby) was born my life shifted overnight. The time I gave myself to grieve, to hope, to reflect on life, to work through tough emotions almost vanished, and my life became focused on immediate needs, survival, and love of course. William brought us so much love, so much vitality.
Then something shifted, I don't know exactly when. Maybe it was when Juliette was born. I dreamed again of life with a daughter, precious dreams that had once been for Anya. Maybe it was a few months later when the aforementioned exhaustion set in. Something shifted and grief returned, less acute, but still present like a long slow wave.
Now grief takes the shape of anger and hurt as I am forced to accept the realities of life. Everyone I love will one day die. Being a parent is hard and isolating. I will never find the perfect balance between family, work and my own needs. And no matter how many kids we have, our family won't be complete.
If there is any silver lining in all of this, I think it is having a place to share these feelings, to let grief flow and to soon find the ebb of this wave.
Yes. Parenting is hard. The guilt of the not-perfect life, the expectations we set for ourselves and don't meet, and the crazy societal expectation of "balance" of top of that just adds to the difficulty. And even when you want to lose your shit and even when you are raging against the unfairness of life and even when you are missing your daughter like a limb (yet feeling bad about it all because you "should" be appreciating every moment), you are enough. You are more than enough. You are exactly the Mother/Wife/Friend/Kayleigh that you need to be. So here's my virtual hug...and I hope there's someone close who can give you a for-real one.
ReplyDeleteThank you Meghan. Your note really makes me feel loved and enough this morning. Hugs!
DeleteHi Kayleigh, I haven't walked the same road as you, but I can definitely attest to the fact that being a parent is very difficult indeed. Your little ones love you, and although you may not be able to 'fill' the void that Anya left, I believe that the Lord has taken her to be with Him and that there is a hope eternal. Surely life does not end with our bodies decaying in the ground. There is a life everlasting, a life beyond the grave. This life is put in place to prepare us for the next...that is all. I hope and pray that you can find this everlasting hope and peace, and know that where your daughter lives now is better than anything we have ever seen or yet known.
ReplyDeleteThere is a hope eternal for those who trust in God -
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son [to die on a cross on our behalf], that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." (John 3:16-17)
"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:17)
“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21: 3-4)