Confessions

Alex and I have strived to be open and honest always on this blog. But there is something we have hesitated to share... the answer to what happened.

Officially, we are still waiting for the autopsy results and the coroner's report. However, during my pregnancy with William, our wonderful doctor went to lengths to communicate with the coroner and obtain what health-related information she could.

How did Anya die? Placental insufficiency. The placenta was too small.

With this information in hand, I was tested for high concentrations of anti-cardiolipin antibodies and the results were positive. Anticardiolipin antibodies can bind to blood platelets and create clots. We went forth with the assumption that small blood clots prevented the placenta from growing large enough to sustain Anya through birth.

This information hit me hard. I slept poorly for weeks. It struck my sense of identity. I had always thought of myself as healthy, and suddenly I didn't feel that way. My body had betrayed me. My body had betrayed Anya.

But my body didn't have to betray William. I was started on a treatment of anticoagulants.

A few months later, William arrived. Thanks to the treatment I received, he is here, sitting next to me and chatting in his own baby way as I type.

As I listen to William's babbling, I can't help but wonder if Anya's death saved William's life. And I wonder if Anya's death will allow me to live longer, as I continue to take anticoagulants. Another gift from Anya.

And now, we continue to wait for the coroner's report, unsure if it will bring any new information, if it will dredge up painful memories or if it will bring a new kind of closure.

Is This What Moving Forward Feels Like?

It's been a while since I have stopped to write a blog post...

At first I was busy with a newborn... I thought about the resemblance between William and Anya. I considered writing about everything we had the privilege to live with William that we missed out on with Anya... cuddles, breastfeeding, first smiles. But I didn't write about those things. The weeks went by and those thoughts drifted away.

Three months passed... Still I wasn't motivated to sit down and write. It occurred to me that I wasn't too busy, I just didn't feel like blogging. I was too enamoured with William, too happy in the present, to think of what might have been. I had this vague idea that I should feel guilty about that, but the truth is I didn't. William was here and Anya wasn't. It sounded too harsh to say out loud.

I have never felt so happy, so present to this moment. Knowing that life is fleeting, I appreciate it more. It's true, Anya isn't here. Sometimes, I find it hard to imagine what life would be like if she was... Because we wouldn't have William. And just maybe, I wouldn't appreciate all the wonderful things in life quite as much.

I could choose to feel guilty about these feelings... to berate myself for forgetting Anya, for moving on. Instead, I am choosing to view them as a gift. Anya isn't here, but her short life has changed me profoundly. The deep happiness I feel, the ability to live in the present moment are gifts from Anya. My daughter lives on, not only in my memory, but in me.

Now, when I look at a photo of Anya, when I walk into her room (now my office), the memories are sweet and loving.